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Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
12:51 pm
I can truly say now that ****** and I will not be together now, I just don’t think we’re right for each other. Well more so that I’m not right for her, it was very random to meet her and to have these feelings that I have but I’m not the one for her and this will not last long. She doesn’t want a real boyfriend she doesn’t want a real relationship right now, She’ s having fun and enjoying life. I’m four years older than her and coming out of my youth, I want a bit of a permanance in my life but even with that I know that I am doomed to be single.   I mean how can a relationship work with someone that’s not able to introduce you to there parent’s a person that can say to you that she will never lay with you. Right now I feel so alone out here, I’m just along for the ride, she is here with her friends and enjoying time with them. Given, that she told me her friends are more important to her than I was to ever be but this weekend has really showed me that, I’ve been on the verge of crying for the past three days because I feel left out and forgotten out here. My one ray of hope came yesterday and it was only for a split-second then the clouds of being alone came back. I do feel like I have a right to feel this way, I’m on the outside alone trying to join this group but it never worked. The close knit circles of friends became what they are and I was left to find my way to the shore like a boatman with no lighthouse. My light house operator had gone for the weekend to be with the other operators leaving the boatmen to fend for themselves. 
Over the years of my life I’ve seen love , thought I was in love, and hated love but I never had been in true love that you always hear people speak about. I thought I might have found it this time and I did. I can’t describe it or explain it but it has happened and it hurts when it doesn’t love you back worse then never being in love at all. Your whole life changes and you change with it or atleast try, Hopeless romantic or romantic with no hope, you decide. 
Is it my fault that this has happened, Did I do it to myself? I will say yes because I care and I care too much which brought me to this, If I would have just not cared or not have fallen in love. I was warned but I didn’t listen and I fell and I fell hard. That is where the problem lies, Because when you fall in love you want to spend every waking moment with that person you start to focus on them in your life make plans , But I gues plans never seem to work out in the end. LOVE; Lost Over Various Emotions is what I always said it meant to me and now I’ve made that true. I am all most at a point now where I don’t know what to do; Should I stay or should I go just like the Clash song ; you never know what to do when you fall in love with someone and something goes wrong it leaves you stuck in the middle of going on or giving up totally. You never want to give up though because you know that without that person you just don’t want to go on. But what do you do when that person doesn’t fell the same way.
That’s where I am today, I know that I care about her and I love her but does she love me? No, she doesn’t want to love out of fear of being hurt. What she doesn’t know is that it hurst when love is unrequinted and you are the only one loving out of the relationship, Is that my down fall that I love? What do you do, you cannot just stop loving someone, but it’s not right to go on loving if you are alone in love. ****** likes me and thinks about me but to what extent ; I doubt I will ever know. Even when we spoke on the weekends events yesterday she was upset with me and angered at me but she still wantedme to be next to her in bed. It leaves me confused because I never know where she is coming from or how she really feels and it confuses me. I can never truly get an answer from her and it pains me that I may neer get one cause I really want this to work but I’m not sure if it is going to work if she cannot truly tell me how she fells about me. Call me silly stupid or emo but you know what? That’s fine beause I think it’s ok to be silly stupid and emo is a good thing not a bad thing . Fuck most of the times a woman is upset that she does not hav a boyfriend that is emotional or can understand emotion so I think it’s a good thing.
 
Now my thoughts are just going around in circles now because I’m starting to get that feeling now that I don’t fit into her life , I don’t have the education or the income or the influence that she is used to in life so how can I even think of myself as someone that she can be with on a permanet basis. 


current mood: confused

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Thursday, January 5th, 2006
6:52 pm - Things I would love to have
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/mcy/122725444.html
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/mcy/122481130.html
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/mcy/122194355.html





Who wants to help me with a loan

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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
7:16 pm - Quick one huh
Man I'm going to start doing one word updates and make it look cool

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7:15 pm - Do I enjoy being a Villian?
Sometimes yes , most of the times no. I just want to be me and be alive. But hey it's fun being the bad guy sometimes. Anyways I almost missed New Years this year I was sleep in the bed barely woke up

current mood: cynical

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5:13 pm - Man wwhat a way to start the new year
So I'm off to work this monring thinking that everything is going ok and I see this giant sanitation truck parked in the middle of the street and it's dropping off trash cans to our house cause my omom ordered some new ones. So no biggie so I start to back out the driveway thinking ok i'll back out and go on ahead to wrok... WRONG i back out and back into the side of this giant ass thing and mess up my driver side back bummper it's all jacked up so. We call the cops he calls his supervisor and we take care of the thing but it just sucks cause now I have to go thru my insurance company and i've never been in a accident before and it's only the 3rd day of the year it was a real bummer to me so now that ruined my week. I have no idea how to handle this shit and I don't have the cash to pay a deductable and shit so I'm kinda at a real lost which sucks ass. Oh well just had to get that off my chest on to the rest of my year PEACE!!!

current mood: crappy

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Monday, January 2nd, 2006
10:27 am
Neil Gaiman's The Sandman

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Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
7:19 pm - Additiction
Why everything that makes me feel bad makes me feel so good? Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would.......
Classic line, But anyway I guess nothing is new with my life Christmas was ok nothing special just another day went to my boy's house and chilled wit his fam and what not. New Years will be standard prolly stay in the house and maintain. I've been feeling real calm as of late and getting over alot of stuff and starting to focus on doing me the last few months have been eye opening and I'm glad I noticed I'm getting better at leting stuff roll off my back. I'm not even caught up on events of the past few months just memories and dreams is all . Now I'm awake and focused it's sad that my boys are all on tour and stuff and I'm at home but it's cool, They've just spent there first winter out of the US and they hate it said it was extra cold and shit last I talked to them they said they were in budapest freeze'n but it's all good they said Europe is dope and they're all ready to go to Amsterdam to get that good time feeling (FCUKING HORN DOG POT HEADS DOPERS!!!!) aww it's all love. I'm just trying to get back into making beats and writting lyrics and what not but it's all good. Not much more to say on here cause it's like talking to yourself cause I don't think anyone reads my journal anyway so ehhh just doing it cause I'm bored. I'm really ready for school to start and what not so I can get my Degree on and be smartets hahah!

OH yea albums folks should by Lone Catalyst, Steve Spacek, Spacek (it's a band), Platinum Pied Pipers, Talib Kweli (right about now mixed tape), Jay Dee (Donuts), Madonna (i know i know)

current mood: calm

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Monday, December 12th, 2005
9:29 pm - Girlfriends
This weeks episode of Girlfriends was mad preachy. What the hell is this religion thing? The Episode basically preached the whole time, Now I'm not bashing but why not just stop in the middle of the episode and do a public service anoucemnet for Christianity. It was just too much, the lost me on this episode cause I don't really believe in telling folks who or what to pray to. This episode got to me and then the whole being Christian got us thru slavery line WTF come on now, Where did we learn it from ? Masta?!!? who its just crazy well I'm on a rant so hit me with the backlash chumps.

Oh damn on another note its a porno chick named Tyra Banxxx???? man thats great funny like a mug

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9:17 pm - Ms. Hill
Man this song is powerful. Talib murdered it, heart felt like a motha

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5:34 pm - Music
I have some Roots songs that haven't been heard and remixes etc.. if you want any of em hit me up i'll be nice and hook ya up

current mood: mellow

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5:20 pm - What the FU%^!!!!!
Madness I can't believe it, My mind has been everywhere and no where lately and I just haven't had anytime to chill. I've been on this grind for work and other things. I'm really in a dark place right now and I'm not even looking for the light. I'm trying to get back into writting my rhymes and stuff but I dunno I just haven't found my spot. It's really hard right now the rest of my crew is off in another state getting ready to go to another country and I'm stuck at home and just just. I started Reading Nigger by Dick Gregory and I enjoy it so far I should have read this book a long time ago I dunno what I was thinking. As you can see my mind is scattered. I really fell off this year was going to be my year but I fucked it up and fucked off. Missed out going on tour never finished me and Damien's project. etc.... Oh well "life's ill sometimes life might kill...."

current mood: mellow

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Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
5:09 pm
THIS JOURNAL IS CLOSED. I'm the bigges asshole on the face of this planet.

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Thursday, October 20th, 2005
6:06 pm - Neglect
Well ya know lately I've been neglecting folks I know , well actualy for the last month of so and I need to make that back up to folks and spend time with them. So if you guys are on myspace hit me up yo. (JAY!!! I GOT THOSE CD's YO). Other things going on are like this I put my music on hold, hip hop career is on a good pause only writting part time, I'm focusing on going back to school and educate myself. My boys Damien and Charlie started Cal State LA this semester and I got a charge in me to finish what I started in school so I'm going to start back in the winter.

With music I've kinda set down the mic and I'm starting to looking in to House music and just regular ol dance music. I mean I've always like House music it's just a great genre of music. Well that type of music period is cool folks like RJD2 who do hip hop beat but make straight up chill music I like but back to the subject I like the whole house and DJ thing because you can go out and play the music for folks and watch them dance all their problems and cares away into the night and feel good about it. So basically I'm going a slow route with making house music and such but I'm still and emcee and don't get it twisted I'll still rock a mic and kill a free style.

I have a girl now that I care about a whole lot and she cares about me but I'm not going to elaborate into my love life cause yall don't care about that anyway.

So my basic point was to tell all the folks that I haven't talked to in a long time I haven't forgotten about you I've just been busy with work and all and I will catch yall no doubt..... Yall in my heart and mind still......

Done

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Saturday, October 15th, 2005
11:36 pm - wow
<td align="center">A Peacock



A peacock represents your sexual appetite. You like to look good to attract potential lovers and you are very preoccupied with sex – not that that is a bad thing. You are into fantasizing, and enjoy sex a lot.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
10:04 pm - Update part 2
the sequel



real quick, Me and Linda are together (wow a actually serious relationship not on some ol "we internet lovers" shit. I'm going out to Texas in Nov to be with her for a while. We are working on things it's going to workout back us up folks. I'm not gangsta it's true I'm a wanksta (seriously all jokes) The minstrel show is a classic album yall pick it up or ROY LEE gonna get cha. Work is ok nothing special just doing my 9-5 thizzle. This weekend I gotta go get my car washed help Linda's friend learn how to drive and go pay a bill.
The heat is killing me right now it's 89 in my room at 10 pm and the wildfires are burning rich peoples stuff down like crazy ( thats what cha get trying to go to the hills and run away from the negros and mexicans) Yea that was Kanye West (racist) hmm I'm going to use that as a new slang word. But on the real Kanye said what chu was scared to say ala Bernie Mac style. Enough of that stuff tho. Its hot I'm sleepy and I've got Linda on the phone so Peace out suckas and umm I'll up date in another 3 weeks or something maybe.

current mood: thirsty

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Monday, September 19th, 2005
5:05 pm - It's true it's true
I'm Gangsta!!!!!!!

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Sunday, September 18th, 2005
9:13 pm - update
update

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Thursday, August 25th, 2005
5:32 pm
SO what you just saw a few mins ago was me getting back at Linda. We are sort of talking and all but she was mad cause of this photo I found of here that she doesn't like and she said that she didn't have a problem looking at my journal since I found the pic. My retaliation was to send that message via LJ just to throw her off. But I kinda made her upset so it backfired on me. Now I'm feeling bad.


My day was fine did some work came outside the job and walked into 95 degree weather and burned up on the ride home. I still burn is this house as we speak cause of the heat. Man I need an AC in my room or something. ok that's about it Oh and Umm yea that's it nothing more to really talk about. PEACE!!!!

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5:29 pm
I LOVE YOU LINDA!!!!!!!

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Saturday, August 20th, 2005
10:34 pm - Guess I'm due for an update or two
so lets make it short huh. Well my b-day was dope hung out with Linda (lovelylind) and her friend and Kuah (Cold Swear/OKayplayer). Sitting and talking with Linda was something special and I guess I can say I like her. So thats that no more details into that, it's only for me and Linda to talk about.
Work is work I'm starting to get used to the job even tho it's so many things that I don't know, I'm still in a learning phase and I'll be able to tackle anything with in a year.

Umm hmm lets see I'm getting ready to move out the house and into my own place sometime in the fall. Time to get away from the nest and do my own thing.... I really don't have much to talk about lately except the price of gas. Man that shit is crazy out here in Cali I hope it goes down after the holiday if not then F-this shit I'm getting a Yamaha and calling it a life cause rolling a car is stupid right now. Umm yea that's about it talk to me america.

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